Abuse

If you have to ask yourself, "is he abusing me?" Chances are the answer is yes. In all my previous relationships that question never once crossed my mind. Even through all the horrible shit that guys pulled it was never before abuse. I used to think I was the kind of woman who could spot it from a mile away. I would advise friends and family to get out when I felt the man they were with was displaying any tendencies that could suggest they were controlling, manipulative or violent. So why was it then that when it was happening to me, in my own home I couldn't see it? The truth is that I didn't want to believe it. The idea that, I an informed, intelligent, interesting and attractive woman was being abused by someone I loved dearly seemed absurd to me. I came up with a million reasons why what was happening in my life was some how different than the women in the PSA's.
 I will tell you this, at least in my case, it was a slow steady path to domestic violence. It certainly didn't start on the first date. The first year, two years, three, that was what I found so troublesome. We had these incredible years together. How could the man I believed had hung the moon and stars himself and just for me, ever become a monster that terrorized me? Even in light of everything that I have been through it is still hard for me to believe. Part of me wonders if it even is the same person really. Because who I fell in love with and who he was when reality hit me in the face are so contrary. It left me not knowing what was real, even now it is hard for me to accept that he could contain both good and evil. Because the good, was like crack to me. The smiles, laughter, jokes, hugs, kisses, nuances that I held so dear. Those things are all ripped from you as if that person died, and you are left with a ghost. Sure he looks the same, sounds the same, but surely someone you loved that much couldn't be capable of such an atrocity. I spent so much time chasing the good. Trying to please him, thinking maybe I could undo what he had done, say or do the right thing to change him back. But back to what? Had he ever really been the person I once believed he was? 
You always think if a man ever laid a hand on me, that would be it. I would be out the door so fast and never look back. I know I always said that. But. I didn't. It started with disapproval, with accusations of me being crazy, with me not being "enough." I am far from perfect, I might be a little crazy and even as I try to take responsibility for my baggage, or short comings I can't help but feel that he exacerbated them on purpose. The more deranged, and unwound I became the less sure I was about my place in the world and what was normal. The more I thought I needed him and he was a saint for putting up with me. He made sure all bills were in  my name and they were always outstanding. He got me to quit my job so I could stay home and take care of the house and I would get what basically was an allowance.
 Next I needed to sell my car because we, "needed the money." Other times he acted as though we were filthy rich, but even in times of prosperity it never seemed to be the right time to buy me a car. I literally had no life anymore but waiting for him to come home from work. Then he began to "travel" often for work. This was actually time he spent with other women. The more I questioned the more he made me believe I was actually insane. I was so ashamed of what my life had become, that I had given up school, work, hobbies, friendships. I didn't want to see anyone I knew because I didn't know what to tell them when they asked what was going on in my life. He made me into a liar. I realized that the stories about my life were actually only stories about him, things we did together or even things I wasn't even around for. I still stayed because I wanted to marry him and I thought that I would be rewarded someday for all my perseverance and for sticking with him for better or worse. The next step was throwing things, punching walls, breaking my shit. 
I rationalized with hey he wasn't hitting me... He would laugh it off. I never got an apology, not sure why I expected one. His love was never unconditional. I made accusations and he played the victim, after five years how could I possible accuse him of cheating, what kind of person did I think he was? 
 I was a total wreck. I kept snooping I knew things just weren't adding up. Next it was throwing me to the ground, dumping kitchen junk drawers on me because the house was so unorganized he never wanted to be there. After finding an email where he told a female co-worker he loved her I snapped, screaming and, hysterical I demanded he quit his job. That one ended with him throwing me on our bed kneeling on my chest and choking me with one hand, the other cocked back in a fist. I had to scream for his brother in the next room. We never spoke of it again, and I know if asked his brother would deny it until he was blue in the face. 
The catch 22 is his brother is the second biggest liar I have ever met. His parents were both abusive and horrible should never have had children. His younger sister has arguably the worst eating disorder I have ever in my life seen. So some of me doesn't even blame him entirely for what he became. 
At various points in our relation ship he would delete his facebook. Then he started and instagram. He refused to let me follow him and kept his profile private. I couldn't find a way that this was normal for any couple. He made such a big deal about how this was about my trust issues and how he never even used it except to look at cool cars and such. Liar. It was because the new woman he was deceiving loved to post pictures and tag him or post pictures of them on vacations together.  I had moved back in with my mom while we waited for our dream home to be ready, he told me he was staying with his parents as well. 
One night in the car I finally told him how I desperately wanted to kill myself but I couldn't do it for fear of the guilt others might feel. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. He drove me to the middle of no where and took my pocket knife and cell phone. I thought he didn't want me having a knife and maybe he was going to take me to a hospital. Instead he told me to strip naked and get in the back of his car, he was going to have sex with me and then kill me and leave me on a back country road. I refused. Not because I didn't want to die but because I refused to have rape be the last thing that happened to me on this planet. He even went so far as to have me get out of the car in the freezing cold, take out his knife and pretend like he was about to stab me. The eerie calm attitude he had through this entire ordeal was horrifying. I am still left wondering if he was partially serious. He got back in the car and started to drive off leaving me on the side of the road. He stopped and then told me to get back in the car. It was literally bellow freezing and I had no way to call anyone else so reluctantly I did. On the drive back to my mom's he said if I had actually had sex with him he would have gone ahead and killed me, because then he would have known I really meant it when I said I wanted to die. I was left wondering if he had ever done anything like that before, he seemed so calm, and amused. It made me sick.
I must commend the woman he was seeing on her badassery she finally realized his lies weren't adding up and contacted me directly. After both of us providing lots of proof (including a video of him masturbating filmed in the bathroom of my mother's home telling her he was at a hotel). I showed her the bathroom which she instantly recognized. We both were sure we had been hoodwinked. 
We planned to confront him. The irony was he was in her home with lots of things we had bought together that he told me he was storing until we could move into our new home. It was a metaphorical slap in the face of epic proportions. Little did he know we had invited the local police to keep the peace while she told him to get his shit and get the fuck out of her house and her life. When I walked in finding his things, my things in her bedroom and him in her shower there was no excuse, no lie he could tell to make this go away, to try to spin it. He saw my face, and then he punched me in it. 
The rest of the day was a blur, I never thought I would find myself in the Domestic Violence office of a court house. But there I was, I could hardly make sense of things. I honestly still have trouble believing this all happened to me. 
I was a smart, middle class woman, from a good family, I was a feminist and a liberal and still here I was filing a restraining order. It can happen to anyone. It is like a cancer, you notice a spot here and there and it makes you worry, it doesn't look good, but you aren't ready for it when the doctor says melanoma. But you are almost relieved because now you have something to hold on to, you aren't insane, and you can treat it. I am not trying to downplay cancer here, I just don't know how else to put it. This relationship took five years to slowly eat me from the inside out and when it came time to drastically cut away all the sickness it felt like a relief. 
It was hard the first few days, the betrayal, the total fucking waste of my life, the shame that I had let myself be swindled. But then an air of fuck-it set in. After all the avoiding and ditching of my friends they were still there and god dammit they were NOT going to let me wallow in what a mess my life had become. It hasn't been long since it happened and I can tell you already I have not been this happy in many years. It still stings, I still have questions that I know will never be answered, and even if they were, the answers would probably be lies. I had no choice but to radically accept my current situation and start dealing with it and picking up the pieces of my broken life. I am afraid of a lot of things, of him, of failing in my new life, of letting someone else in, of being alone but I can tolerate them and face them all one at a time. It might suck, but I can tell you so far it has actually been incredibly fun, and I finally feel like I have control over what happens to me and my life again.
 So if you are asking yourself, "am I being abused" leave, leave now, and don't look back. It is not worth your happiness, your life, your safety, your time. There will always be someone else out there who will love you. There are men out there who don't hurt the people who love them. Don't be afraid and don't let it take up one more second of your life being unhappy. I hope you listen even though I didn't, even though I thought I knew better. 

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”-Kurt Vonnegut

What the FUCK Rolling Stone?

Rolling Stone's new cover featured Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, looking like a rock star. Yes he looks normal, sweet, young, even attractive, but he is accused of very serious crimes! Yeah this shit is fucked up! I could understand (not be happy about) if it was on TIME magazine and a photo of him in court or something! But this literally looks like it could be an album cover. I think it is important that he be given a trial, not because I believe he is necessarily innocent but because of the gravity of what could happen if a truly innocent percent through a mistaken ID etc. was punished for such a horrendous act but not be able to defend themselves. This isn't a magazine about world events, though they do feature some. They literally made Dzhokhar Tsarnaev look like a rock star. Shameful! I would even understand this kind of feature for someone jailed for peaceful protest, or even property damage in regard to an honorable cause. Like throwing red paint on fur coats or chaining yourself to a tree or building to prevent it's destruction. But absolutely not for killing and maiming innocent people as part of a radical distortion of reality falsely in the name of God. Not the first time they have pulled this stunt they also featured Charles Manson on the cover. There are sick people out there that see things like this and to them it means fame, infamy, becoming an idol and celebrity. And why shouldn't they? It sure looks that way to me. So, shame on you Rolling Stone. I respect your rights to free expression, free press, and speech but this is just tasteless and only adds to an already growing problem of people associating mass murder with stardom, notoriety, and esteem. It's pretty sick, and no, not in a good way.

I love OUR President

After the verdict was read in the case of the shooting death of Trayvon Martin many people were understandably hurt, outraged, crushed, and shocked. What upset me most and kept me up at night was the idea of riots. I knew how much the media was circulating the possibility of riots after the verdict. I felt they could be pushing it to the point of being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thank God no one took their bait. I hoped that after the public heard Trayvon's parents plea for peace in the wake of what I and many others believe to be a great miscarriage of justice. I saw something rather pointed yesterday I am not sure if I can share their name so I won't but they posted to facebook, "The majority of people who believe that George Zimmerman should be not guilty would care much more about the sanctity of Trayvon's life if he had still been just a fetus." It is sad but frighteningly true point. 

Anyway back to the riots that never happened: I had no real concern of rioting before the news media started spouting their riot theories, where they would happen, to what degree, would this mean a race war?!?! How fucking irresponsible. I have to say I can't help but feel like those are dangerous and negligent ideas to be putting out into the world. Thankfully people understood that more violence is not the answer. We have to find some way to change our world. We have to. It has become so ugly and hateful and divided. People are so hung up on who is right and who is wrong that these grudges begin to run deeper, the hate flies back and forth and we poison ourselves and our children with negativity. We need to teach love. We need to teach respectful disagreements. We need to teach every person the value of a life and how no matter your gender, religion, sexual orientation, race you are worthy of respect and there should be no reason for you to fear your neighbor. I don't know how to do that in a world that is so backwards.  We have got to stop killing each other. It is so easy to pull a trigger and impossible to make up for permanently removing a human being from this Earth. I beg you all to stop the killing. 

I know people are so touchy about gun laws and restrictions but they are so necessary especially right now. I had to fill out more paperwork to adopt a dog than I did to buy a FNH FXP 9mm. It came with three 10 round magazines. If I had each magazine loaded and one already in the chamber, if I am a good shot that is potentially 31 lives that I could take. The scary thing is you just have to trust that I am responsible, and sane enough not to ever attempt such a heinous act. I'm sorry but I just don't trust my fellow Americans enough for that idea to sit right with me. And the backwards logic is because I can't trust other people not to be psychopaths I own one. Don't get me wrong it is terribly fun to go to the shooting range. I do sleep easier knowing that it is near by. The thing is if they weren't so damn easy to get I wouldn't have to worry about nut bag up the street who orders guns and ammo online and has enough to supply his very own militia in his basement. We need better gun laws, we need stricter punishments for people caught with illegal firearms, those that aren't registered. If you are a felon convicted of a violent crime and you are caught with a gun you get 10 years min. Felony sex offenders you get 15. Institute an anonymous government buy back program for illegal fire arms. If we can find enough money to wage wars we can spend it to protect our own people. Oh and I mean education, and healthcare too. If we took better care of our people there would be less competition for survival more opportunities and less stealing and killing. People don't fall into a criminal way of life because they want to, or it seems fun, it's because they don't see any other option to provide for themselves or their family. 

But after all that rambling THIS IS WHY I LOVE PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, "The death of Trayvon Martin was a tragedy. Not just for his family, or for any one community, but for America. I know this case has elicited strong passions. And in the wake of the verdict, I know those passions may be running even higher. But we are a nation of laws, and a jury has spoken. I now ask every American to respect the call for calm reflection from two parents who lost their young son. And as we do, we should ask ourselves if we’re doing all we can to widen the circle of compassion and understanding in our own communities. We should ask ourselves if we’re doing all we can to stem the tide of gun violence that claims too many lives across this country on a daily basis. We should ask ourselves, as individuals and as a society, how we can prevent future tragedies like this. As citizens, that’s a job for all of us. That’s the way to honor Trayvon Martin." 

Well said sir. I couldn't agree more. Now let's stop being selfish, petty, fear mongers and change out country. Lay down the guns and pick up someone in need of kindness, generosity, love, friendship. If I sound like a communist, socialist, hippie well then I guess that's me. I guess I am selfish because I don't want to fear for my future children. I don't want to be afraid of the poison they eat, drink, breathe. Or the equally destructive poison they see, hear, and feel from their brothers and sisters. Mother Teresa said, "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." I want a beautiful safe place for my kids because I never want to feel what his parents felt when someone took the law into their own hands and made a decision to end his life. I don't want to live in fear for my kids. Because man pulling a trigger is easy but you can never put back the pieces. I don't think anyone realizes how permanent death is.

I will leave you with this, a member of Trayvon's foundation said ,“Trayvon Martin cannot rest in peace if there’s not peace in our streets,” and advise you to, “raise your voice, not your hands.”

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
-Mahatma Gandhi 

Abortion and Texas Women

Apparently I have decided to write two posts today... My second is about abortion, women's rights, and the controversial abortion ban in Texas. Oh, yeah and Sarah Slamen a super boss lady. First of all have you seen the video? You know where she rips the Texas Senate committee a new one. They came out looking like tyrant bullies. When Slamen laid into them about what exactly qualified them to be experts on women's reproductive health. Long story short, nothing. They are full of hot air and when she called them out on their complete lack of qualifications they lost their cool. They had her removed from the stand and escorted out. She even said, "This is my government" and boy I used to believe that. I was appalled to see her drug out of that court room. They simply weren't willing to be called out on what fools they are and for everyone to see their facade so rapidly and systematically torn down. This woman deserves a standing ovation for pointing out what a farce this committee is. It scares me that she was forcibly removed, never before have I see an American citizen's rights be violated in such a flagrant manner. My jaw hit the floor. I was ashamed of my country when I saw that. I wonder what our military men and women would feel if they saw one of the most basic rights they defend stripped of a fellow citizen in such a blatant display of disrespect and denial. It worries me for the women of Texas and all over this country particularly in traditionally conservative states.

  We are women, we are strong, informed, and we have the power to vote and have our voices heard. I am a catholic convert. I also take birth control and while I don't believe in abortion for myself in the case of an unplanned pregnancy that is not my choice to make for other women. I can certainly tell you if I were the victim of rape I would most definitely terminate a resulting pregnancy. If I were to have a child with a severe birth defect such as Tay-Sachs or Sirenomelia I would end the pregnancy because I believe it to be the most merciful option. Because of my religious beliefs I feel while it may be a sin on my part and it would be a heartbreaking choice, that baby would be innocent and would obviously go to heaven where it would not suffer as it would if it were to be born into this world. That choice would be between me and my God and no one else should have any say in the matter. I don't agree with the proposed bill in TX which would limit abortion providers to only 5 centers state wide. That is absurd. What I find frightening is that Republican Jodie Laubenberg (TX) who opposed amendments to the ban apparently thinks that rape kits "clean a woman out" basically like a "d & c" and therefor makes up for closing all but 5 abortion clinics. WRONG wrong WRONG. I was ashamed for this woman. As a state representative, an adult, and even more as a woman I expect you to know better. I bet her and Todd Akin get along great with their mythical ideas of how a woman can prevent pregnancies resulting from rape. Get out of the government if you couldn't even pass a semester of high school sex ed. Yes if you are raped they do a rape kit, they swab for DNA, and give you antibiotics to try and prevent contracting and STD's or STI's. In some cases you may be offered the Plan B emergency contraceptive but that is not part of the rape kit, you likely will have to come out of pocket for the cost, and the real shocker that is nothing even close to a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) procedure. Shame on you Jodie Laubenberg for being so ill informed about your bill, and your body. 

What I will now share with you, which may be an unpopular opinion. I SUPPORT BANNING ABORTIONS AFTER 20 WEEKS! Now, with the stipulation barring any medical emergency, miscarriage/death of fetus, new information about the condition of the fetus or possible diseases etc. and of course if say a woman was abducted and raped resulting in pregnancy past the 20 week mark. Twenty weeks is roughly 5 months, if four more weeks the fetus is considered viable. I can not as a woman (once again barring any exigent circumstances) understand why you would intend on having an abortion and just not get around to it for five months? If there is some reason that you can think of why it may be necessary to wait five months for an abortion and yet can't manage to wait another 12 weeks and put the baby up for adoption please enlighten me? Perhaps you don't notice you are pregnant the first 3 months you still  have another 8 weeks to procure an abortion. But at 5 Months you have to endure a two day procedure, first to inject the fetus with a toxin that ends it's life and begin dilating the cervix. Day two under twilight sedation your cervix is dilated, the body is cut into smaller sections and removed through the cervix/vagina. Yes, it is not the same as a full term labor and delivery but at this point it does seem selfish and wasteful. I believe in having sex responsibly and that means if I had unprotected sex, and for whatever reason was not on birth control, taking Plan B, if that didn't work then an abortion is an option but I can't imagine dropping the ball on taking care of it for five months. Anyone have a reason why a 20 week ban as described is should not be enacted? 

If you agree or like my posts at all please follow me on twitter! I would love to know if anyone out there is reading.  

Vestal Harlot Twitter Page


Sarah Slamen Destroys TX Committee  


Jodie Laubenberg Rape Kit=Abortion 

Trayvon Martin

I will never be suspicious like Trayvon Martin. Let me say that again. I will NEVER be suspicious like Trayvon. Period. Regardless of who threw the first punch, Zimmerman believed Trayvon to be a criminal by looking at him. I could put on all black sweats, tuck my hair back, put on a flat billed hat and pull my hood up over my face as I walk through my neighborhood. No one is going to call the police. No one is going to try and flag me down. No one will reach over and lock their car door. No one is going to fear me. And no one is going to shoot and kill me because they are afraid of me. I am a 5'0", White, Woman. I don't strike fear in the heart of anyone, no one would describe me as sketchy or menacing. So what does that say about our world? In our world no matter how I am dressed I am taught to be afraid to walk alone at any time of day, and at night, forget about it. We are taught that our neighbors are killers, around every corner a mugger, behind every dumpster a rapist. In this case there are no winners. I put myself in Trayvon's position and having lived literally across the lake from where he was shot, I feel I do have a unique ability compared to many other American's to do so. If I had been walking through that neighborhood and any adult man or woman of any color, age or size tried to stop me, I would have been afraid. If they came near me I would not have hesitated to become violent. I would have thrown the first punch, kick, scratch, bite. No question. Zimmerman was not on his property, and he did not identify himself as neighborhood watch. He acted as a vigilante, the Police had told him to stand down and not pursue Trayvon. Yes, he fought back, possibly was even the first to get physical but I bet any one of you would do the same. Zimmerman was a stranger. In a world where we are taught strangers are no longer kind generous, concerned brother's and sister's but robbers, rapists, and killers, why would he not be afraid? Don't tell me he shouldn't be afraid being a physically fit young man. I knew strong, fit, teenagers just like that who were jumped in our neighborhood with a startling frequency. And Zimmerman is no waif, and I am tired of hearing how Trayvon had such a physical advantage. Zimmerman's size is still intimidating enough. And size aside, how was he supposed to know he wasn't some loon with a loaded gun...? oh wait... he was. When I lived in the apartments across the lake we had all too many burglaries and thefts, in fact it was a huge problem at the time we lived there. But we never shot anyone. Things might have been very different had Zimmerman said, "Hey kid, stop, I am with neighborhood watch can I talk to you?" That is not what he did, and even then if I were in Trayvon's shoes I would have kept on walking or even RAN away. Unless I see a badge, I don't know you from Ted Bundy. Sorry you are literally just another civilian, same as me, I have no obligation to obey you. The facts are George Zimmerman instigated the conflict, someone threw a punch and they want to say Zimmerman was in fear for his life, I don't know what I would have done, I would wonder what would have happened had he just threatened to shoot, I wonder what would have happened had he stayed in his truck, had he said he was neighborhood watch, there are a lot of variables but the bottom line is a human life was taken. It could have been avoided. I don't know that Zimmerman deserves a first degree murder sentence because I believe things quickly got out of hand but I can tell you he needs to be punished. He needs to understand that he made a decision that resulted in the loss of a human life. I think that requires a conviction and jail time. I am not saying a life sentence but he needs to pay for what may be a mistake, but it was a grave one. Unless I see someone committing a crime, I am not going to interject myself. Unless someone deliberately is breaking into my home I am not going to take their life. Period. Unless unprovoked someone attacks me or another person, I am not a law enforcement officer, I am not going to physically or verbally accost them. It is such a sad series of events but right or wrong Trayvon paid with his life, and had Zimmerman done what the police instructed, Trayvon would probably be alive and Zimmerman wouldn't be in this mess. But I guess I really don't have to worry. Because the sad truth is after all, I will never look suspicious like Trayvon.

Fine News Stations for False or Misleading Reporting

I wish there was a way to regulate the news media like they do professional athletes. It is basically impossible to trust the reporting of any major news network. I'm not talking about getting in the way of reporting or freedom of speech or expression but if an anchor/station is reporting something that is alleged, or not yet confirmed they should make that clear. There is so much speculation that is offered up as fact that it really muddles things. So, if a news channel reports something that is later found to be untrue and unfounded then they should be fined. It seems like in the rush to be the first to report they don't even care if it is accurate. I feel like you can change channels and see very contradictory reporting so then you have to dig around the internet to find out who is more correct. Now, obviously in emergency situations this system could be lifted in the interest of public safety. Also, when things need to be retracted they shouldn't just be a little ticker that scrolls across the screen once. Sometimes I feel they say half-truths to be deliberately misleading. Or off to the side they could have a little "Fact Checker" person that could produce evidence to support claims, maybe with a red light meaning risky story not yet confirmed, yellow very likely to be true, and green is factual and confirmed. Haha this has really gotten out of hand. I think it could be time for bed.

Golden Sisters NOT as good as Golden Girls

So, I started watching the Golden Sisters' show... They are sort of cute goofy old ladies but I think the comparison some are making to "reality TV's Golden Girls" is lofty to say the least. Now maybe that is because I am a dyed-in-the-wool serious Golden Girls Junkie but other than their relative age, and wild scenarios I see no comparisons. I realize for the time my girls were quite scandalous but these new broads just seem like fowl-mouthed crazy old ladies. Don't get me wrong, I hope to have my fair share of fun when I get old, and god knows I love to drop F bombs right and left but all their bickering and bleeping just gets on my nerves. I grew up watching Golden Girls religiously. When asked in a "Sweet Six" competition (small town annual pageant for 6 y/o girls) what my favorite television show was I answered honestly that Golden Girls was my favorite. I am pretty sure they thought I was lying and that single-handedly lost me the competition.  But that isn't important... What is, is how awesome Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia, and Rose really are. They tackled serious issues with humor, whit, and grace and waaay before their time. Namely homosexuality, artificial insemination, teen pregnancy, and sexuality as a senior citizen. I was trying to decide who is my favorite Golden Girl and I realized that is what made the show so great, I love all of them equally. I feel like it's being told to pick your favorite child, just impossible to choose because they all have such great, lovable, hilarious personalities.  Between "Picture it Sicily...." St. Olaf stories, Dorothy's quick whit, and Blanche's stories of the loss of innocence under magnolia trees it is my favorite show of all time. With Designing women in a close 2nd of course. ;-) Bless those Golden Girls and congratulations to Betty White for continuing to be one bad ass lady.